Without a description, this blog post would be shots that feature me, walking around in a large crowd, with a smile that could be seen as nervous, scared, or even proud.
And sure, that is exactly what they are. But to me, these images hold an experience that ‘flicked the switch’ in my mind. The switch that told me I was on the right track and that the track was taking me to where I wanted to be, right now. They told me that my body was beautiful, that I was a modern pinup, that I was confident and radiant.
My hiatus from Closet Confessions has been for a number of reasons that have me feeling like I am out of breath. But those can wait for another time. This post is a story of how a little dream became a reality in the town of Kurri Kurri, in New South Wales.
I have always been content with never being the centre of attention in performance.
Throughout my childhood, I was a dancer. Or, I took dance classes for a number of hours that even with being active for hours per week, still had me being the biggest in the class. I was always at the back, and I never had a staring role. The one time I knew I could do something, my mother had to write a letter asking for the staff to consider letting me audition for a singing/dancing roll. The look on the faces of the parents and other girls in my class still makes me laugh. While never content with being in the back row, my taste of front row, spot light allowed me to taste the temptation of the spotlight for a mere moment. It was both terrifying and alluring. But soon enough the act was culled and a new year brought a new routine where I was promptly situated at the back.
Body positivity was not a thing back when I was an early teenager. If you were fat, your sequinned leotard was not #sexycurves it was #omgfatjoke. PVC costume for your tap routine? Sure, lets add about 5 inches to cover your midriff and then make a big deal about it to humiliate you in front of all your skinny “friends”. There came a point were I hated going to dance and I gave up because the thrill was lost. Routines with clapping lost their interest, but my love of sequins never died.
I will never be a blog that forces “BOPO” or Beauty Standards because I believe everyone has the right to form their own opinions.
By Closet Confessions has always been a place of sharing my journey, and my recent style redirection is a reflection of the positivity I find within my body.
I’ve lost weight, I’ve put a bit back on, the weight loss journey is still in motion, but each step has changed me.
Body confidence is something of a popular topic in today’s society, and something many women with curves speak of freely.
For me, I can only speak for myself.
My life changed when I found someone who loved me for my true self.
Until I found Jacob, I thought I loved how I looked.
Jacob and his love allowed me to reflect deeper than I had ever dared, to see that inside I was beautiful and on the outside, even more so.
He told me supported me. He told me to try on the dresses. He told me I looked beautiful in my red lipstick and then I saw it too.
There are so many people out there telling you to “love YOU”, but you simply can’t turn it on and off.
In order to feel the full confidence and source the love for your body, you need to take the time to find what makes you tick.
You need to look hard at what you have and tell yourself that it WORKS.
It doesn’t happen overnight. For me, it took years and a man who told me it was okay to be who I am, because he could see it clearer than I ever could.
I am still on my body acceptance journey, but everyday is just another step in my journey.
There was a moment when I stepped out in front of over 1000 people that a light bulb hit me.
There I was, the biggest girl in a sea of beautiful entrants in the Kurri Kurri Nostalgia Festival ‘Miss Modern Day Pinup’.
Judged by famous pinup Cherry Dollface and with the chance to win a sea of amazing prizes. I wanted to enter, and with a prompt from my fiance Jacob and another from Jac from Catfight Collections, I was in.
I was full of nerves. I watched as beautiful women walked infront of me, looking every inch of glamour and beauty!
I worried about my clothes (too tight!) and my hair (regrowth!) and my legs (too stumpy!) and then it was time for me to go out. It was if someone flicked a switch. All of that energy, those nerves were gone.
I was there, and my name was called and if it were night the spotlight would have hit me. I was in my element. I felt like I was on fire. I tilted up my head, and I switched on my smile and the energy from the crowd was fuelled.
People in the crowd took photos, others clapped and smiled. People told me I looked beautiful as I swished my beautiful skirt down the stage. I stopped, paused and waved and little girls waved back. I felt like a beauty queen! I felt beautiful and surreal and for the first time in a long time, I felt simply beautiful.
I came SECOND in a beauty parade. Perhaps they could see the pride on my face as I twirled and swung my dress?
As I look back at these photographs, I can see it. The smile says it all. I am proud of my body and the way I dress. I am embracing a style that makes me feel elegant and true to myself. I feel liberated by the colours and patterns I wear. When I open the door to my wardrobe, I get excited. For the first time I have clothing that makes me feel beautiful.
I can’t wait to see where it takes me.