When I started dating, I didn’t feel comfortable in sharing what was happening and how I was feeling on Closet Confessions.
I thought to myself “I don’t want to become one of THOSE blogs” and “I don’t want to tell everyone how I feel….and then get hurt”.
To be honest, it was hard enough for me to put myself out there and actually look for someone. I liked living in my apartment, tucked into my little sheltered existence with my shoes and my fashion and my blog. But one late night, talking to Jessica from Too Many Sequins, I decided that I needed to give it a go. I needed to step up and grow up.

Up until 9 months ago I had been single for my entire life. I don’t really accept the 4 day boyfriend I had when I was 18 because Adrian* (*name changed for privacy) was just as new to this as I was. It felt awkward because he was my friend and as soon as he said yes to going out with me over MSN, and we were actually “official” I didn’t feel a spark. He just felt like my friend. I figured I’d lived up until that point as a single lady, I could live single forever. I always had friends around me and I could always make people laugh, so why would I need a boy to make me complete?

Meeting new people isn’t an issue for me, but the stereotypes society put on someone like me (young, overweight) made it hard to meet anyone who would be interested in a relationship with me. I compensated for the bullying of my childhood with laughter and would often poke fun at my own weight. Finding my future partner would never had happened in my group of friends or through work. Nor would it have worked through going to a night club or speed dating. I’m not a 6ft super model and I don’t have a size 8 body. Appearances matter in those typical dating situations, and I wasn’t prepared to look for my soul mate at the local pub. There was only one other option for me and it rest online. Somewhere with a barrier of sorts. So, I gave it a go.

Signing up to an online dating website wasn’t a new thing for me. I had used a free service a few years previous and all I had were sleazy men looking for sex. A close family friend of mine had used an online website to find the woman of his dreams (they are now engaged!) and I threw caution to the wind when I clicked Sign Up on the E-Harmony website.

The entire process was surreal. Not only did the sign up process take me a good 3 hours to answer every question, I felt physically and emotionally drained by the time I had successfully completed the Personality section. When I signed up for the program, I told myself I needed to be true and honest. And I did. I sat down and looked deeply inside of myself to answer the questions as best I could. When I logged in, and I had matches, I wasn’t sure what to expect. I would read a profile and cringe. Did they really believe we were compatible? After 2 days of sport nuts and alcoholics, I re-wrote my profile. I uploaded honest images of myself. I didn’t hide my weight. I was free and honest; Take it or leave it.

There was one profile that caught my eye and his interests and beliefs caught my eye. His name was Jacob and he was a few years older than me but there was something about the way his profile was written that caused me to hit the “Question” button and make contact. 3 days into my online dating experience and I had found him. My Jacob.

There were constant messages between us and the connection felt instant. I spent hours thinking about how I could respond to a simple question, to show him who I really was and what I was about. When I got an email notification, my heart would stop a beat and I would feel anxious because I knew he must have been online and thinking about me. Weeks passed and I would write to him, tell him about my day, talk about our interests. I had stopped making contact with others and stop answering requests. There was a connection with this stranger that felt like I had known him for a long, long time. We moved on to FaceBook and I eventually stopped logging into E-Harmony.

One day, I built up the courage to ask him on an actual date. I was sitting at my computer, a cold sweat on my body. I wanted to see him, beyond the photographs and the text. I wanted to see if he wa real (and not some old creep or sex addict). When he answered ‘Yes’, I was sick for days. My mother has been my support through the entire process and she insisted on staying overnight to make sure I actually got out of bed and went on the date. I thank her every day for her passion.

Of all days, my train was significantly late for our first date. The delays didn’t make my nerves any better as I sat on a delayed, hot train. My hands shook as I sent him a text to explain my lateness. He told me not to worry. I’d bought him a gift for our date, something simple that I later found out made me absolutely perfect; a little potted succulent (his favourite kind of plant). I clutched onto it with shakey hands as I stepped out into Hyde Park.

I still remember the first time I met Jacob, His dark sunglasses on and his light blue overshirt. His smile as he saw me emerge from Museum Trainstation. When I’m having a bad day, I think about the way he gave me the most enveloping hug and almost crushed the gift I had brought from him. And then his face, as he opened the gift and laid eyes on the baby succulent in its pot. The big kiss on my cheek in thank you. All of the worry I had felt the night before disapeared as I experienced the best date in the history of dating. Perfect weather, sun shining as we walked through Hyde Park with coffee in hand, through the Botanical Gardens and around into Circular Quay. I pushed his comfort zone by taking him on a bus to Oxford St where he experienced Grill’d for the first time. It was surreal to be spending so much time with a man I had met on the internet. But everything felt comfortable and He made me laugh and smile.

Of all the people in the world, I could go on and on about Jacob. I could write endlessly about the way he makes me laugh even on the most horrific of days, or the way he makes me feel when he comes over for dinner on a Friday night. I could tell you stories about the way his family has embraced and accepted me into their arms, the first time we held hands, the first time we kissed….I could write pages of dedications to the way he makes my heart skip a beat and makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. But all of that would make me look like a giddy school girl and a love sick girl friend.

Jacob makes me feel like a 16 year old girl; he sent me beautiful roses on Valentines day that made me cry quietly when no one was looking. He pours me a drink when we get home to keep my hydrated. He takes my hand before we cross the road and he doesn’t let go when we get to the other side. He drives from Sydney’s Inner West to Sydney’s South to spend time with me, to pick me up, to drop me home. We laugh at Summer Heights High and dance in shopping centres like old people because we are young and crazy and in love.

We tell each other that we love each other every 5 minutes because it just feels right. We tell each other we love each other so much that it hurts. We tell each other that we can’t find a word that means more than love, because sometimes the word love just doesn’t quite cut it. And I love every second of it because right now he is my life.

Our bond goes beyond words and support. The man who I cling to now is also my health for we both now support each others weight loss and fitness goals. Since January, we have both taken health as our priority and I am so proud of his efforts and achievments on our journey together. Every time I hear that he has pushed his excercise further, I feel compelled to do the same. He is so strong and in tune with what his body needs and it inspires me everyday.

I wanted to write this blog post because there have been so many people who have supported and looked out for me through this blog. I have kept my love so close to my chest that I wanted to share just a snippet of my life with you all right now. I am living and breathing the moment and sometimes the blog has become a second thought because I am so obsessed with the feelings in my head and my heart that fashion comes second to the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.

Jacob and I have been together for 9 months and have come to a point where 2 nights a week are barely enough contact to survive. I feel incomplete without him by my side and my day seems dull without seeing his face, sound asleep, next to me in the morning. Waking up alone was something I have been used to for all of my life, but my life feels too simple without the warmth of his body next to mine in those mid-ground moments before you drift off to sleep. We play with the idea of marriage and children and it all seems to surreal to think that 12 months ago I was content with being alone. So we are moving in together so that everyday will be brilliant and that every morning I can see his sleepy blue eyes and let my heart flutter a little more.

Jacob, my soulmate. I know you will read this eventually. I love you with all of my heart and beyond. And more than anything, I look forward to spending tomorrow and everyday that follows with you in my life. I love you.

Closet Confessions

Categories: My Writing


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